Sunday, March 20, 2011

Caution my brain is on Full Speed, and well i might of got a little graphic

Well , the lawyers packet came in with Corols medicall bills and records and police reports for me to go over. i feel robbed, 90250  $ for what ? cat scans, versed and propofal ? is that really an attempt to save a life? or is it just an attempt to appear to be trying and really NOT. thats how i feel at moment. i am happy my daughter was able to save lives, thisin fact made everything slightly easier, if there is such a thing. But nobody saved hers. Something, and i dont know what, happened between her getting into the 2nd hospitals trauma bay and getting upstairs. she went from not only being reponsive to simuli, eyes reacting to light and a gag reflex, to needing epiniphine and being unstable with blood presures. i dont know what im supposed to take away from this. in talking with a friend i relize it takes time for the swelling to kick in, why didnt we put her on ice? instead they were heating her up... would putting her on ice helped?  i am so unsure. i mean she was even breathing over the vent...but by noon the nero in trauma said it was imanate the this child would incure brain death fairly soon. i was right to write she was gone by 6 that evening, she was gone really b 3 her eyes fully dialated and no gag reflex... gosh its been 6 months and i feel its just starting to hit me, mayube the pregnancy hormones arnt helping but damn, i just feel like im going crazy. last night everything set me off i was litteraly crying over the littlest things. poor dj, having to consol me. but i love him, he not only puts up with my mess of a head he helps me to make sense of what im thinking. im kinda glad he married me before we got into my hormonal side with corol too, otherwise he might of ran.... i think this pregnancy has been better concidering. i havent REALLY been all that depressed like i was with corol. just my brain wont stop. im glad though , i think a depressed state right now would be horrible for dj to have to handle...OK the past few days i havent really felt much movement, and Colt is unlike corol in with corol i could shake my belly and shed kick the heck out of me, Colt i shake and nothing. But yesterday when reading all that paper work and crying he started to kick and HARD, i think he already doesnt like me being sad. :) i dont know it seems the more i think about corol the more he moves around. i like it but im tierd of crying. me and dj were talking last night i said i was sorry for being so emotional the past few days especailly. his response, its ok your a girl... to which i started to cry hahaha, but i was like its just not me, this isnt the girl you married. i hate that. i hate that i feel i have changed soo much... speaking of changing i still havent wrote the list, why well i really cant think of anything... i dont do great at anything i struggle in all my desicions. hey i know i can make a list of everything im crappy at! that would be SOO much easier. why is it that therapist always want to know that stupid question. or what do you like about you questions.... am i the only person that this question baffels? Probably. How do i even start to define myself again when im just trying to open my eyes everyday? any ideas > anyone listening still... i dont even think im listening to myself. im glad i can type this though.

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