Sunday, May 29, 2011


Soo, since ive started having my flashbacks from the accident i just cant get into the thought of there being ghosts.. not that ive changed my stance on there existance, more of a i just dont want to know. because then i start to think about the what if Corol is stuck out on the street in NC where no one that knows her will ever see her again. or in that hospital, that i will never set foot in again. which is all very hard for me to wrap my head around and breaks my heart because i know as her mother she was NOT in her body when i said goodbye. Well me and the DH always used to watch ghost hunters and ghost adventures and so on and so forth. we really enjoyed the shows. last night i guess a new episode was coming on, he came in the room and turned it on, i asked him to change it, he asked why...all i could choke out was my brain. i really didnt want my brain to start up since, i have been having a pretty nice run of sleeping schedual. well he said i was on my computer and not paying attention so it didnt matter. he did change it once i closed the computer but it really bothered me, and of coarse one of the images, a ghostly looking child. Well guess who had night mares all night and has been wide awake since 3. i just cant get over these images flashing through my head, some so vivid , however i cant seem to put them into words.

Friday, May 27, 2011

My Daughters a Hero!

My Daughter was able to donate 3 of her organs after they pronounced her brain dead. I was very adamant that they try, but wasnt sure if they'd be able to since she was a preemie and sometimes preemie organs just arnt in that good of condition. I remember the moment they told us they called her life to be finished, i knew it was coming, some of you might remember i actually called it on FB the night before. But as soon as i could get words out of my mouth they were," You didn't pull her off the machines did you? " i said she needs to try to be a donor. They of coarse re assured me that they do not shut off machines with out consent or anything like that... i guess i had just figured once the give up hope why leave on the machine. but i was very happy to find out that's not how it all worked. Afterwards i knew in my heart i wanted to be able to correspond and hopefully be apart of these children's lives one day. Never did i think about how heart wrenching it would be. I'm glad i made the steps to do this before my brain shut down completely i was just on auto pilot. We have received several Medals and certificates in Honor of Corol. these all touch me to the core. Ill never forget the feeling i had when i got the first letter from the donor services, it was giving us our first update on the families. they informed us the Corols Heart went to a 1 year old. Her Liver went to a 10 month old and Her Kidneys went to a 28 year old male... This was astonishing to me, how could her tiny little kidneys help this much larger male. Well, it took me months to get up the courage, or right words to write these families about our story. Every time i sat down to write i was histerical and all that could come out was something to the extent of hows my dead daughters organs working for you...which i knew was very hateful and not appropriate, but that's the only sentence i could form. Finally I realized to start at the beginning, so i wrote about Corols hard start to life, and her "Spicy" attitude. I wrote about her love for life and what a good little girl she really was. I wrote i little about her end, and how much it meant to me for her to hopefully make a difference in there lives. and i pleaded for them to tell me about there story's. The other day my DH got a phone call from the Donor Services explaining there were some language barriers, but that the grandma of the liver donor did speak some English and did write back but it was a little hard to read...they also had to translate my original letter in Spanish for them. This actually excited me because Ive been learning Spanish and while i might not be able to speak on a phone with a native speaker yet, i can write and read it with ease. So i told this bit of information for the future. Well today the DH took me to Checkers to i could get a yummy shake, and boy am i glad i had that comfort. in the mail when we got home was the letter and picture from the Grandma. This little girl actually had on a dress similar to one Corol wore often. and she was all Smiles. The grandma explained how sick this little 10 month old (at the time) was. and that they had basically sent them home for the last time to more or less die. 5 days later the call came in to go get the transplant surgery done. If I'm not mistaken, the day they send her home was the same day of the accident. She explained that this baby is now 17 mos old and the happiest baby ever, always smiling and hasn't been sick since. This touched me in so many ways, i wanted more i wanted to ask questions and get answers. NOW. I don't know how this has made me feel. Yes I'm in tears, I'm partly sad but partly happy. I just don't know. This is a very confusing feeling i have inside me now.