Well, After my mental break down last week and damn near 48 hours of NO sleep , i decided i need help. Soo in midst of my crying i called Circles of Care the soonest appointment i could get was a week from then, so today came along, i had to drop my DH off at work by 8, they told me on the phone that my Apt. was at 9:15 i got up there around 8:30, not too early ( especalliy for me!) so as i check in they say my Apt is actually at 10 they just wanted me there early to fill out a new history which took me quite some time. Well im sitting and sitting and then i reliezed it was 10:40, so i went up to the desk and was like whats going on are yall really this far behind already in the day, well they ran back to ask the therapist what was going on. i sat back down then I actually had something cool happen a guy came up to me and in sign language asked me if i was deaf, so for the first time EVER i was able to use my sign language outside of the class room . i cant wait to tell me teacher about this experience. i explained in sign i was not deaf but hearing, and that i was learning to sign aT BCC. well he explained he wsa an interpiter and could hear with the help of hear aids and was looking for a girl around my age that was deaf. well shortly after that a girl gestered to sit down next to me i started to be supsuios, eceptailly when the screaming baby was right in front of her and she was just filling out her paper work... i then signed to the guy what is the girls name he told me and it was her... so i got her attention and signed to her if she was deaf and she said yes... it was so cool to watch the 2 of them signing back and forth and they invited me to watch and pay attention which is rare.. its kind of like listening to a conversation. the interpiter asked if i was catching anything they were saying i was like here and there but not so much but now as im thinking back i thinki understood more words than i thought ( same thing happens to me in spanish) i asked her if she knew my teacher she said no but she knew and didnt like his daughter ...appaerently she flirted with her bf lol. it was very interesting to say the less. Anywho, after all this happened i realiezed it was now 11 20 i went back up tp the desk like ok whats going on, am i going to get seen today or what. Well they decided that no i needed to reschedual. i went absolutly balistic. i was early i wasnt late, i needed this apt. i couldnt wait anylonger. and this was ridiculous. i was crying and screaming , and sure they were going to baker act me by the end of it. but quickly they found a therapist who had a no show and she was soo kind and talked to me for an hour. Ya know its so much harder to talk about corol in a NON blunt way, i guess this hads been my copeing mechanisim lately. and to talk not type, its soo different. i can type her story all day long without any emotions raising up. i could barely choke out the words today. I explained how loosing Corol i not only lost my baby girl but i lost my identity...so now i have 2 homework assignments from her, one to attempt to write a letter to the company of that commericail and two is to write a list of who i am...ugh i have never been good at this kind of stuff. so this should take just about all week. it was very hard to talk to her though about corol and everything thats been going on. im not sure if this will truely help with the flashbacks or not but i hope so. along with the dreams, which i plan to write about at somepoint.
~ on a different note i had my ultrasound yesterday the lady seemed incompitant, she couldnt seem to grasp that i indeed am 20 weeks, even though my LMP was in sept. this would make me due in like june, but the baby would be having EXTREME IUGR( intrauterine growth restiction) but the baby is healthy and 14ozs as of yesterday, measuring about 20 weeks 3 days! she took a ton of pics but they were all pretty crappy. :(