Ghosts...

Soo, since ive started having my flashbacks from the accident i just cant get into the thought of there being ghosts.. not that ive changed my stance on there existance, more of a i just dont want to know. because then i start to think about the what if Corol is stuck out on the street in NC where no one that knows her will ever see her again. or in that hospital, that i will never set foot in again. which is all very hard for me to wrap my head around and breaks my heart because i know as her mother she was NOT in her body when i said goodbye. Well me and the DH always used to watch ghost hunters and ghost adventures and so on and so forth. we really enjoyed the shows. last night i guess a new episode was coming on, he came in the room and turned it on, i asked him to change it, he asked why...all i could choke out was my brain. i really didnt want my brain to start up since, i have been having a pretty nice run of sleeping schedual. well he said i was on my computer and not paying attention so it didnt matter. he did change it once i closed the computer but it really bothered me, and of coarse one of the images, a ghostly looking child. Well guess who had night mares all night and has been wide awake since 3. i just cant get over these images flashing through my head, some so vivid , however i cant seem to put them into words.

My Daughters a Hero!

My Daughter was able to donate 3 of her organs after they pronounced her brain dead. I was very adamant that they try, but wasnt sure if they'd be able to since she was a preemie and sometimes preemie organs just arnt in that good of condition. I remember the moment they told us they called her life to be finished, i knew it was coming, some of you might remember i actually called it on FB the night before. But as soon as i could get words out of my mouth they were," You didn't pull her off the machines did you? " i said she needs to try to be a donor. They of coarse re assured me that they do not shut off machines with out consent or anything like that... i guess i had just figured once the give up hope why leave on the machine. but i was very happy to find out that's not how it all worked. Afterwards i knew in my heart i wanted to be able to correspond and hopefully be apart of these children's lives one day. Never did i think about how heart wrenching it would be. I'm glad i made the steps to do this before my brain shut down completely i was just on auto pilot. We have received several Medals and certificates in Honor of Corol. these all touch me to the core. Ill never forget the feeling i had when i got the first letter from the donor services, it was giving us our first update on the families. they informed us the Corols Heart went to a 1 year old. Her Liver went to a 10 month old and Her Kidneys went to a 28 year old male... This was astonishing to me, how could her tiny little kidneys help this much larger male. Well, it took me months to get up the courage, or right words to write these families about our story. Every time i sat down to write i was histerical and all that could come out was something to the extent of hows my dead daughters organs working for you...which i knew was very hateful and not appropriate, but that's the only sentence i could form. Finally I realized to start at the beginning, so i wrote about Corols hard start to life, and her "Spicy" attitude. I wrote about her love for life and what a good little girl she really was. I wrote i little about her end, and how much it meant to me for her to hopefully make a difference in there lives. and i pleaded for them to tell me about there story's. The other day my DH got a phone call from the Donor Services explaining there were some language barriers, but that the grandma of the liver donor did speak some English and did write back but it was a little hard to read...they also had to translate my original letter in Spanish for them. This actually excited me because Ive been learning Spanish and while i might not be able to speak on a phone with a native speaker yet, i can write and read it with ease. So i told this bit of information for the future. Well today the DH took me to Checkers to i could get a yummy shake, and boy am i glad i had that comfort. in the mail when we got home was the letter and picture from the Grandma. This little girl actually had on a dress similar to one Corol wore often. and she was all Smiles. The grandma explained how sick this little 10 month old (at the time) was. and that they had basically sent them home for the last time to more or less die. 5 days later the call came in to go get the transplant surgery done. If I'm not mistaken, the day they send her home was the same day of the accident. She explained that this baby is now 17 mos old and the happiest baby ever, always smiling and hasn't been sick since. This touched me in so many ways, i wanted more i wanted to ask questions and get answers. NOW. I don't know how this has made me feel. Yes I'm in tears, I'm partly sad but partly happy. I just don't know. This is a very confusing feeling i have inside me now.

Lets start at the very begining, a very good place to start.

At 12:12 Am, Corol Jade was born into this world. Due to the fact, as all children at one point or another do, she tryed to kill me. I had severe Pre-e and HELLP syndrom. i was 25 weeks along in my horrible pregnancy from day one with her. And very suddenly she was born weighing a mere, 1 pnd 4 ozs.
my poor husband expalins the experience something like; first the doctor told me to look at her, but not back at you ( me), so of coarse you tell a man not to look down he looks, only to see first his daughter that resembled a blue frog, and me with my "guts" on my chest. 

Our amazing doctor for Corol, he was the head neonatologist over all of NICU! im convinced if he was our doctor we would of lost Corol then. her first apgar reading was a 2 then after intabation at a few mins a 5....the final was an8. i was def in a haze. i just remember they kept telling me shes "stable" and the her lungs were developed...i was like this is Great! stable to me was in great condition ready to go home! lung developed Wow a miracle that shot yall gave me really worked! HAHA...Stable is an EVIL little word all ICU's use to say well your kid/husband/whatever isn't exactly dieing at the moment. this took me a long time to relieze. i later found out Dr. A told Dj there was 80% chance she wouldN"T live. i also found out this statistic went up, after a day then a week, then a month, and then "once they get released chances are slim to none they will be alive forever." this i guess i just put to much faith in but thats for later too. I didnt know a lot about how NICU worked. and it wasnt till my mom came a few days later i got to go see Corol even though i was calling religously i had no idea i could ask the nurses to take me down, all things i now know to do differently. gosh those first sights of her, and the nurses changing her diaper they were pros, her tiny frog like body, and those itty bitty diapers. and the cords. i forget about the cords now. I remember showering her first pictures off and people would freak out, after a while you dont see the cords, nor are you scared of them. but the first time it was pretty scarey stuff, she had the tanning lights on her as i called them and her big girly girl sunglasses on ( a little piece of foam no bigger than my finger, that covered her entire face!

The first nurse i spoke with gave me a lot of information that i dont remember any of, and im pretty sure i didnt remeber as soon as i went back up stairs. but she said they didnt know what Corols name was so they were calling her Spicey, since she had self extabated several times at just a few days old. and she also told us a little bit about miss Corol and how most babies were pretty dosil at this point in the nicu, not my Corol.
i leave off here as theres not much remarkable for the first month except praying for poop and to eventually eat. ill add more in the Am

This is Our Story

Dj came into my life just when i needed him to be. It's kind of ironic i guess thats the way i had alway pictured my stroy to start. i guess it just takes me a while to piece it all together, like a puzzel but the pieces are at times to heavy for me to put together on my own. Recently i saw someone from a far someone from my past, it made me start to think of our last time seeing each other...and it just so happened that i think i said one of my coolest lines ever. yes EVER, im not a girl of cool words either so i will probably pat myself on my back for a long time for this one. let me think how do i some up my mess of a dateing scene to get to Us. I didnt start to seriously date till i was 16 that was James, James was broken from a previous girlfriend...hmm i seem to like broken guys. we actually seriously dated for 3.5 years til he decided to start acusing me of sleeping around and getting super paranoid. he also commited some well adutous acts of his own that probably scarred me for life. from him i ran to at the time my best guy friend, Mitch. we dated seriously for a ear then i think ill just asay i was chasing a dream because he had one foot in my door and his other 5 feet somewhere else. He was fun , till i had the tittle of being his girlfriend. then the verbal abuse started. where once he was the one to make me feel like i was a million bucks, i then was made to be so degraded. and he would then use the lines that used to make me feel pretty, skinny, worth something..on girls in front of me. i think i was addicted to the way he had once made me feel, and i chased that for a long time. a lot longer than what i should of. Now i met dj as i was wheening myself off of mitch. i was becomeing very independant again and going back to my roots. i had started to fish, i loved it so much it just was so peaceful. i ventured off of charted teritory and started going to random docks. i ended up a castaway a lot it was peacful and not a lot of people there. One day this guy came out and we started chatting, i told him way to much about my horrible personal story but he was kind and listen and even as it rained we stayed and chatted. before we left ill never forget the words he said to me, it was i have this friend youll love him, hes been to jail too. HA i laughed SO hard at this i told him really i had NO desire to meet a guy i was really enjoying my new found indepndance and regaining any self esteam that had once been so strong in me. well shorty after this meeting i ran into the 2 of them, dj wasnt kind, or my type, he was though very funny and quick with it...at our meetings i would tell him to get the beer and id get the bait. as i was still underage. But we had a lot of fun nights out fishing till god knows when. Then my past had caught up withme and i had to serve my time, dj actually took me to court an hour away. poor thing my truck broke down on him on the way back home. He was the only one that wrote me, the entire time i was there. i was lucky and got to go into a work release program though and did meet a guy. Justin, aka the BIGGEST POS i know to date. Also in this time my dad passed away. Justin i met in work release he lied his way into my heart, i now know all ever did was lie. i guess i thought if i knew i was going to change and was saying it allowed why the hell would anyone lie about it. as the first time i had went to jail i didnt lie i knew i was going to get out and use again i was almost proud of it. just as i was proud to say i had no intentions of ever useing again. well he would continusly steel my truck and credit card... put my in danger while on house arrest. told some crack heads they were free to roam my house. of beat the shit out of me while i was pregnant. Thank God for that, the second he punched me in the stomach i thanked him for saveing me money. i would find needles all over and just horrible things i wish i had the balls at the time to tell my officer just take me back to jail. but i was to proud as everyone had warned me about what a pos he was. any who the day they shut off my ankle bracelet i drove home actually i was hitting the county line the same min it was turned off i had to go back the next am to get it cut off of me. at that point i got a job in town and started to talk to dj again. asnd james. james was always kind and i didnt see him sexually anymore because he had made some very rude comments about my weight and being sober. one night i was killing time waiting for dj to call me so i went over to james's house to have a beer or two. while sitting there dj finally texted me at like 10 or so it was pretty late. james and his roommate wanted me to stay and play some drinking games. and this is the last conversation i ever had with james.
James--stay itll be a good time
me- Nah im just going to go n hang out with dj
James's roomate-- what are you in love with this guy or something
James-- yeah what do you think your going to get married.
me-- you know i might just be...maybe.
---
and with that i got into my truck and drove straight to djs, never saw any of them again. the epic part of that night was me reliezeing i really had feelings for dj, but of coarse i couldnt tell him this. however it was only a week or 2 later that he told me -- you know your my girlfriend right-- and then a week after that he told me i was moving in with him. a year later is when i got pregnant the first time, he had told me before he wasnt afraid to pay for an abortion. i had handed him a buissness card that the doctor wrote on all it said on it was "pregnant". he trying to be so coy was like what does this mean. i was like what do you think it means, it means im pregnant. i asked him what he wanted to do, as i knew his postion on marrige and what i wanted in life was not to be a baby mama. but i was working at a daycare and defently had baby fever. he told me there was no doubt we were keeping her. it ment the world to me. shortly after he proposed, well sorta...." So when you wanna do this" but i guess that was all i needed. he also had no intentions of haveing a baby mamma. but a wife. we married very quickly but i dont regret a single second of our ups and downs. After Corol passed away i was terrified i would loose him. but you know we actually have grown stronger, hes grown sweeter too. hes a lot more understanding of ,well, my crazyness. a few weeks ago we went to the seafood feastival and just had a blast for the first time in a long time! well i while i was there i saw James from afar. this is what has spent all these words into my brain, ive been trying to figure out how to wqrite it all down. i think our story if very cute. i love that somehow i knew i was ment to leave thsat house and be with dj. i love that i did, and i am with dj now and ,as cheesy as this may be , untill forever. im not sure if its the hormones but every day i look at him i melt all over again. im glad weve grown together on this journey and will continue to grow. i love him very much. ~

Caution my brain is on Full Speed, and well i might of got a little graphic

Well , the lawyers packet came in with Corols medicall bills and records and police reports for me to go over. i feel robbed, 90250  $ for what ? cat scans, versed and propofal ? is that really an attempt to save a life? or is it just an attempt to appear to be trying and really NOT. thats how i feel at moment. i am happy my daughter was able to save lives, thisin fact made everything slightly easier, if there is such a thing. But nobody saved hers. Something, and i dont know what, happened between her getting into the 2nd hospitals trauma bay and getting upstairs. she went from not only being reponsive to simuli, eyes reacting to light and a gag reflex, to needing epiniphine and being unstable with blood presures. i dont know what im supposed to take away from this. in talking with a friend i relize it takes time for the swelling to kick in, why didnt we put her on ice? instead they were heating her up... would putting her on ice helped?  i am so unsure. i mean she was even breathing over the vent...but by noon the nero in trauma said it was imanate the this child would incure brain death fairly soon. i was right to write she was gone by 6 that evening, she was gone really b 3 her eyes fully dialated and no gag reflex... gosh its been 6 months and i feel its just starting to hit me, mayube the pregnancy hormones arnt helping but damn, i just feel like im going crazy. last night everything set me off i was litteraly crying over the littlest things. poor dj, having to consol me. but i love him, he not only puts up with my mess of a head he helps me to make sense of what im thinking. im kinda glad he married me before we got into my hormonal side with corol too, otherwise he might of ran.... i think this pregnancy has been better concidering. i havent REALLY been all that depressed like i was with corol. just my brain wont stop. im glad though , i think a depressed state right now would be horrible for dj to have to handle...OK the past few days i havent really felt much movement, and Colt is unlike corol in with corol i could shake my belly and shed kick the heck out of me, Colt i shake and nothing. But yesterday when reading all that paper work and crying he started to kick and HARD, i think he already doesnt like me being sad. :) i dont know it seems the more i think about corol the more he moves around. i like it but im tierd of crying. me and dj were talking last night i said i was sorry for being so emotional the past few days especailly. his response, its ok your a girl... to which i started to cry hahaha, but i was like its just not me, this isnt the girl you married. i hate that. i hate that i feel i have changed soo much... speaking of changing i still havent wrote the list, why well i really cant think of anything... i dont do great at anything i struggle in all my desicions. hey i know i can make a list of everything im crappy at! that would be SOO much easier. why is it that therapist always want to know that stupid question. or what do you like about you questions.... am i the only person that this question baffels? Probably. How do i even start to define myself again when im just trying to open my eyes everyday? any ideas > anyone listening still... i dont even think im listening to myself. im glad i can type this though.

Therapy and Baby

Well, After my mental break down last week and damn near 48 hours of NO sleep , i decided i need help. Soo in midst of my crying i called Circles of Care the soonest appointment i could get was a week from then, so today came along, i had to drop my DH off at work by 8, they told me on the phone that my Apt. was at 9:15 i got up there around 8:30, not too early ( especalliy for me!) so as i check in they say my Apt is actually at 10 they just wanted me there early to fill out a new history which took me quite some time. Well im sitting and sitting and then i reliezed it was 10:40, so i went up to the desk and was like whats going on are yall really this far behind already in the day, well they ran back to ask the therapist what was going on. i sat back down then I actually had something cool happen a guy came up to me and in sign language asked me if i was deaf, so for the first time EVER i was able to use my sign language outside of the class room . i cant wait to tell me teacher about this experience. i explained in sign i was not deaf but hearing, and that i was learning to sign aT BCC. well he explained he wsa an interpiter and could hear with the help of hear aids and was looking for a girl around my age that was deaf. well shortly after that a girl gestered to sit down next to me i started to be supsuios, eceptailly when the screaming baby was right in front of her and she was just filling out her paper work... i then signed to the guy what is the girls name he told me and it was her... so i got her attention and signed to her if she was deaf and she said yes... it was so cool to watch the 2 of them signing back and forth and they invited me to watch and pay attention which is rare.. its kind of like listening to a conversation. the interpiter asked if i was catching anything they were saying i was like here and there but not so much but now as im thinking back i thinki understood more words than i thought ( same thing happens to me in spanish) i asked her if she knew my teacher she said no but she knew and didnt like his daughter ...appaerently she flirted with her bf lol. it was very interesting to say the less. Anywho, after all this happened i realiezed it was now 11 20 i went back up tp the desk like ok whats going on, am i going to get seen today or what. Well they decided that no i needed to reschedual. i went absolutly balistic. i was early i wasnt late, i needed this apt. i couldnt wait anylonger. and this was ridiculous. i was crying and screaming , and sure they were going to baker act me by the end of it. but quickly they found a therapist who had a no show and she was soo kind and talked to me for an hour. Ya know its so much harder to talk about corol in a NON blunt way, i guess this hads been my copeing mechanisim lately. and to talk not type, its soo different. i can type her story all day long without any emotions raising up. i could barely choke out the words today. I explained how loosing Corol i not only lost my baby girl but i lost my identity...so now i have 2 homework assignments from her, one to attempt to write a letter to the company of that commericail and two is to write a list of who i am...ugh i have never been good at this kind of stuff. so this should take just about all week. it was very hard to talk to her though about corol and everything thats been going on. im not sure if this will truely help with the flashbacks or not but i hope so. along with the dreams, which i plan to write about at somepoint.
~ on a different note i had my ultrasound yesterday the lady seemed incompitant, she couldnt seem to grasp that i indeed am 20 weeks, even though my LMP was in sept. this would make me due in like june, but the baby would be having EXTREME IUGR( intrauterine growth restiction) but the baby is healthy and 14ozs as of yesterday, measuring about 20 weeks 3 days! she took a ton of pics but they were all pretty crappy. :( 

i found out something very interesting yesterday, those that dont know im expecting my Rainbow baby now and  im 19 weeks , but my specailist sent me to get some blood work done to see if i will develope HELLP syndrom and possibly pre e again. So yesterday im on my way to get the labs done and i start to read the orders " Lupis Anticoagulant" and another one i wont even atempt to spell wrong ...well reading lupis i kinda freaked out and went and googled it, turns out a small % of people who carry these antibodie will get lupis but everyone who has lupis carrys them... Then treatment is easy while pregnant, heperine, so there im comfortable. But it also said many times it goes undiagnosed in  THOSE THAT CANT CARRY TO TERM RESULTING IN MULTIPLE MISSCARRIGES.  i found this very interesting after being on all these sites and the fact this is my 4th pregnancy and ive had 2 miscarriges that im aware of, and a 25 weeker. Could it be this whole time its because i carry this crazy antibody.